New Zealand abandoned its cricket tour of Pakistan moments before the start of the first scheduled one-day international series match between the two teams at Rawalpindi Cricket stadium. The black caps were visiting Pakistan after a gap of 18 years and were already in Pakistan for almost one week. The last-minute cancellation of the tour mystified everyone around the world and resulted in speculations and conspiracy theories. Here is the real story.
It all started in Buenos Aires where James Bond 007 was on a secret mission masquerading to be on polo holidays. He was staying at the Buenos Aires Hilton. Having his usual sausages and fried eggs morning breakfast, he noticed some South Asians roaming around the lobby and devouring plates of food from the breakfast buffet. He was astonished to overhear an otherwise smartly turned out gentleman missing Roghni Naan and Nihari. Bond was duly intrigued, “what the hell these Pakistanis are doing here in Argentina?” he thought. Then he remembered that Pakistanis are good polo players, they might be here to play polo. That thought eased him a little bit.
Bond was planning a perfect James Bondish evening with the voluptuous barmaid who was mixing his Martini-shaken not stirred-when he noticed a famous Pakistani General in the lobby holding a cup of tea. His super spy instincts came into play…so he immediately started his spy work by finding out the room number of the General. He was in a luxury suite as expected. Bond was able to put a listening bug in General’s room through the floor housekeeper after making her super happy with his cunning linguistic skills. But the General, being head of No 1 secret organization in the world, neutralized that listening device…All Bond could hear from the bug was Attaullah Esa Khelvi songs.
Getting desperate Bond hence had to play a high-risk game of Poker with an Argentine intelligence operative…obviously, that operative lost…Bond bribed him by forgoing his winnings and was able to extract vital information from him. He was flabbergasted to know that Pakistan was selling Argentina not 1 or 2 but a full dozen of JF-17 Thunders multi-role fighter aircraft.
He immediately passed this info to his boss ‘M’ in London…The info resulted in huge hoopla in MI-6 Headquarters and 10 Downing and a high-level meeting was hurriedly convened. The meeting was attended by the PM; Sir Humphrey the permanent Secretary to the PM; Foreign Minister with permanent Foreign Secretary; Bernard the Principal Private Secretary to PM; and MI-6 Boss’ M’ with his secretary Moneypenny. ‘M’ shared the salients as reported by James Bond and concluded with an emphatic recommendation, “ we have to stop this.”
A heated discussion ensued. The Foreign Minister raised a vital question about the strategic and tactical implications of the Thunder sale to Argentina. Nobody else thought about that. Seeing the blank look on their faces, Foreign Minister elaborated, “What is the endurance and radius of action of the JF-17 Thunder? I would like to know whether a JF-17 Thunder taking-off from Argentina be able to reach London or any other place in Great Britain with its payloads? “
Nobody knew the answers to the questions so ‘M’ called the aviation strategy expert Air Vice Marshal Ian Flintoff and put him on the conference call.
AVM Flintoff replied, ” After careful examination of the available information, known facts, verifiable stats and geographic considerations it seems quite unlikely that a JF-17 Thunder would be able to demonstrate such capabilities.” He however added,” May I say, as a matter of strategy no possibility should ever be ruled out. This has been the lesson of all great military thinkers including Tsun Zu and Clausewitz.”
At that juncture, Sir Humphery brought up another angle to the discussion. He said, “Allow me to take this august house back to 1986 when I started my career in Her Majesty’s Royal Army education corps” Sir Humphery was sounding dramatic,” if you recall Argentina had obsolete aircraft back then, but Maradonna played havoc with English football team in the world cup 86” he continued, ” if they have a full dozen of Thunders and Lionel Messy still in the mix imagine what he might do to our football team in the world cup next year..”
There was silence in the room for a few moments, “Don’t you think this might be a little farfetched Sir Humphery?” remarked the Foreign Minister.
“I agree this might sound metaphysical but at the same time it is based on historical facts.”
To which the PM said,” let’s not rule out any possibility after all this has been the lesson of great military minds.” Based on the PM ruling it was agreed to stop the Argentina-Pakistan Thunder deal at any cost. The question was how to do it. Many possibilities were deliberated. Finally, Bernard said, “Prime Minister, if you allow me, may I say something?” On the positive nod from the PM, Bernard said, ” let’s hurt where it would hurt the most” everyone was looking at Bernard inquisitively. He continued,” see, the present PM of Pakistan was a cricketer and he was Pakistan Captain in 1992 when they defeated our team in the world cup final…in a few weeks our team is scheduled to tour Pakistan, let’s cancel that tour.” It was considered a splendid idea however ‘M’ suggested that cancelling the English tour might not serve the purpose, “We should arrange to cancel our tour as well as the Australian and New Zealand tours.”
The foreign secretary said, “Australians are no problems…they might not be that bright…they follow when told but this lady New Zealand PM is a busybody… how to handle her?
To which Sir Humphery volunteered, “leave that to me and ‘M’, Prime Minister.”
“Ok..left to you…and whatever you do, I don’t know about it..just don’t make a mess,” PM said
“Yes, prime minister.” Sir Humphery replied with his customary smirk.
At Wellington, the New Zealand Prime Minister was contacted late at night and was told about security threats to the NZ cricket team in Pakistan. A meeting of the national security committee was immediately called. The Director-General of NZ SIS shared the information provided by MI 6 endorsed by the Australian Secret Intelligence Service. PM was still reluctant, “ Our team is already in Pakistan and I have been briefed about a satisfactory security arrangement. So what has happened?” she asked.
“We are also surprised Ma’am “
“What is the source of the information? “ asked the Defense Minister
“MI-6 told us that it was from James Bond 007.”
PM said, “ Oh I see, I am a huge Bond fan, if it’s from him then we have to take it seriously.” It was hence unanimously decided to pull out of the tour immediately. It was conveyed to the Pakistan Cricket Board through New Zealand Cricket. The Pakistan security managers were shocked to know it because they had arranged the highest possible security measures.
The meeting was still in progress when executive assistance to the PM came into the meeting room and informed that PM Imran Khan personally wanted to speak to her and was holding on the line.
“I think I should take this call, let’s not do the Joe Biden thing”…She went to her office to attend the call. When she came back into the meeting room, she looked quite mystified “who is this Rambo guy? “She asked.
“Why are you asking PM?”
“ Because Mr Khan told me that he has appointed Rambo as the Pakistan Cricket Board Chairman and he emphasized that in case of any issues, in addition to security contingent RAMBO himself would take care of the bad guys. “
“ They have been appointing every kind of Tom, Dick, and Harry as Chairman Cricket board in Pakistan…this time he might be a Rambo. “
“But Ma’am PM, our withdrawal from the tour would reinforce a universal joke about us “, said the Defense Minister.
“And what’s that?”
“Well, It is often said that the real reason New Zealand has such a low population is that New Zealanders pull out at the last moment”…there was huge laughter in the room.
To which the PM replied, “I wonder someone told my partner a couple of years ago.”
There was an ethereal glow on her face.
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